


Nevermore Home

by Lizardbeth



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Loki (Marvel) Angst, Not Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Compliant, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 20:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15937961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizardbeth/pseuds/Lizardbeth
Summary: Every year he comes back on this day, unseen as the spirit he mourns. But not this time.





	Nevermore Home

**Author's Note:**

> I started this ages ago, as spec for post=TDW, so nope not compliant with Ragnarok or Infinity War. 
> 
> I like publishing a fic on my birthday and this was the one I found closest to being done, so I hope you enjoy it! XD

* * *

Loki always promised himself that he wouldn’t come back. But for the third time, he opened a gate and returned.

Each time, he walked the ruined city, watching the rebuilding. Occasionally he hid his features and took a turn laying bricks or planting new saplings. It was a stupid and meaningless gesture, a feather weighed against the granite block of his past, but he did it anyway.

His feet always took him to one spot in particular. He knew it was the same place; _seidr_ said it was the same piece of Yggdrasil, though burned and rebuilt. It was now a courtyard of dull stone and a charmless fountain, bleak and lifeless.

It had been the queen’s garden, tended by her hands, in a profusion of flowers and wild beauty, so unlike the rest of the formal gardens. The scents had been heady, and some of the plants held thorns that had drawn blood from the small curious hands that sought to pluck them.

He rubbed the spot on his left finger and pushed away the thought that everything would have been better if the thorn had pierced his heart that day.

This was for her, not himself, and he closed his eyes to take a steadying breath. But there was nothing to say to her, not anymore. What good were words with no one to hear them? Or apologies, if no one remained to forgive? It was all useless. She was dead, and no matter how he’d tried to undo it or what bargains he’d made, it was all for nothing.

The sound of a footstep on the path behing made him tense. It was Thor, he could feel that, and if part of him was still weak enough to want to turn around and look, he couldn’t move or risk breaking the illusion of invisibiity.

Thor’s boots thumped nearer, and Loki prepared a gate, in case Thor touched him and revealed that Loki was there. Loki had no wish to fight, especially not here.

The footsteps stopped, close enough for Loki to see him out of the corner of his eye, to the right.

“I know you’re here,” Thor said, without greeting, in a soft voice. Startled, Loki glanced at him, to see Thor looking at the fountain.

A flick of his fingers dispelled the illusion. “Congratulations on your increased sensitivity to magic,” Loki said dryly.

Without surprise, Thor turned his head and found a smile. Loki thought Thor looked older, though that was a strange thought. “I knew you would come on this day.”

“And yet you don’t try to stop me.”

“Why should I?” Thor responded, leaving Loki without an immedidate retort when he’d expected Thor try to take him into custody.

“ _Why_?” Loki repeated, incredulous and then angered by the sheer willful _blindness_ of Thor’s answer. “I’d think your human friends could tell you that, even if no one here is left who could,” Loki shot back, sneering.

With mildness so deceptively sharp that Loki didn’t notice the blade until it struck, Thor said, “I think you have suffered enough.”

A bitter laugh slipped from his throat at that, and Loki asked, in a voice too tight, straining at the edges for control. “How is that even possible?”

Thor’s blue eyes were really imposbly wise now, regarding Loki with a rather regal solemnity, and he asked, “Do you think I don’t know?”

“Know what?” Loki snapped. “You don’t know quite a lot of things, so you’ll have to be more specific.”

Thor let that slide off untouched, not losing his quiet stare at Loki. “I know you tried to trade Hela your life for Mother’s. Something Mother would never have wanted.”

For an instant all of time seemed to freeze. _He knows. How? Did she tell him all of it?_

Shame curdled in his gut at the memory. He’d tried so hard, all his tricks, finally just pleading, offering her whatever she wanted. He had to reach for reflexive sarcasm so Thor wouldn’t see the memory in his face.

“Well, she wasn’t exactly around to discuss it, was she? And in the end, all I accomplished was revealing how weak Asgard was.” He waved a hand, not at the rebuilt courtyard, but everything else that had been destroyed. Worst of it was realizing he only cared about it as she’d started to destroy it. If Hela had done what she’d promised, he’d have let her keep it.

“Hela betrayed you.”

He chuckled, hollowly. “Well, I was foolish enough to believe someone who claimed to be my daughter in another dimension.”

“Your _daughter_?” Thor asked, tone outraged and incredulous at hearing such a story, and Loki’s foolishness at believing something so absurd.

Loki snorted with disgust. “Yes. It was obviously a lie, but I… well, the best lies are the ones we want to believe.”

She’d reeled him in, and he’d fallen for the sentimentality like the stupidest fool in the Nine Realms.

He folded his arms and turned his gaze onto the fountain. Not because it was interesting – it was not - but to look at something. For one stupid, foolish moment with Hela he’d thought: _Maybe I can still have a family. Maybe this will be different._

But of course the answer was no – no family, no change, only the same old song of betrayal, like Asgard..

The echo of Frigga’s voice in his head murmured, “ _If you hate it so much, why are you here_?”

Because he had to come look and remind himself of the truth. _Oh, amma, I’m so sorry._ He didn’t say it aloud, but he had the feeling his emotions were all on his face for Thor to read, because Thor offered, “You can come home, brother.”

Abruptly he remembered Thor clutching him, saying similar words to him on Midgard. If only he’d said yes then, but now it was far too late for that.

“This isn’t my home, Thor,” he returned, but more wearily than vicious. “I don’t know what is,” he admitted. “But I know it’s not Asgard. Too much has happened. I have no place here.”

Thor shook his head and declared. “As long as I’m here, there will always be a place for you, Loki. You’re my brother, that will not change.”

Loki eyed him. “You said it did. So you’ll forgive me if I do not necessarily trust your word on this.”

“Loki! I was angry and I didn’t mean it.”

“You most certainly did.”

Thor groaned, and implored, “Can we not fight on this day of all days?”

“Pretty sure you started it,” he flipped back, old patterns easy to return to, but he shook his head once. Thor was right; the anniversary of Frigga's death was not a day to fight, yet if he stayed, wouldn't they end up there, anyway? “I should go.”

“Don’t. Stay, share a cup with me,” Thor offered. “You can tell me of your doings. Where you go. I – I wonder if you’re well,” he admitted. “If you care for yourself.”

That meant he had always known Loki survived Hela’s attack, despite how it appeared. Loki flattened his lips, not sure if he was pleased about that, or not.

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, “I can feed myself without assistance, I promise.”

Thor’s eyes met his. “And do you?”

 _Not always_ , was the truth, but Loki made himself laugh. “Of course. I do as I like, where I like. It’s quite freeing.”

“Good, then you have no urgent matters to attend, and you can come tell me all about your adventures,” Thor stated, so firmly Loki decided it would sound churlish to continue to resist.

“Fine. I will. A little while, no more. And I don’t wish to see anyone else.”

Thor hesitated, as if to offer a visit with Odin, but agreed. “As you wish,” Thor agreed and clapped Loki on the back. “Come, let us find a pub fit for a celebration.”

They ended up in a back corner booth of a pub in the upper city. It had been rebuilt and everything smelled too new. Loki veiled himself in misdirection strong enough the server couldn’t look at him directly, and Thor had repeat his order so the server got it, which was rather amusing.

“You are well?” Thor asked him, more seriously once the server had placed the cups on the table and gone. “After the battle, I feared the worst.”

Loki shrugged. “I recovered and found my way out again. As I always do. Nothing holds me for long.”

“But...” Thor toyed with his mug handle before looking up again, “are you happy?”

Loki barked a laugh. “Now there’s the sentimental drivel I expected.”

“So the answer is no,” Thor said. Loki was about to object to that, but Thor lowered his brows and shook his head. “I know you. I think I understand you better now than I did in our youth. You are not happy, and no amount of deflection will force me from this.”

Loki thought about it for a moment and repeated, “ _Happy_. I don’t think I remember what that is. Since-- before, I’m not sure, but certainly not after we all went to Jotunheim….” He held out a hand and turned it over, pale skin visible but fake. All of it, fake. His stomach tightened with nausea and the mead threatened to come back up. “Happiness is ignorance, nothing more.”

“Loki...” Thor murmured, sounding sad and strangely helpless, aware of what secret Loki was talking about.

He was about to start in on some tired version of ‘it doesn’t matter’ and Loki didn’t want to hear it. He stood up. “Well, this has been fun, but--”

Thor’s hand seized his wrist. “Loki, please. Stay. Can we not spend time together in peace?”

Loki eyed the door. Staying would be a mistake. But he couldn’t deny his impulse to stay. Where else was he to go?

“For Mother’s sake, if not mine?” Thor asked.

Loki couldn’t help a flicker of a smile at that. “Pathetic. But not as pathetic as I am, I suppose.” He sat back down again and scrubbed a hand through his hair. "I have no adventures. My life is quite dull now. The last adventure I had was secretly replacing the Power Stone on Xandar--”

“You did _what_?” Thor interrupted, slamming the mug down so hard the handle came off. He sheepishly set it to the side and repeated the same question more calmly.

“You heard me. Some idiots thought that would keep it safe. So I took it and hid it," he said with a shrug, as if handling an Infinity Stone was ordinary. Which for him, it was, lately.

Thor stared at him and then burst into laughter, slapping the table. “Oh, brother, I have missed your outrageous jests!”

Loki lifted his mug and smiled into it, satisfied. Sometimes it was to his advantage to have a reputation for telling tales. But someday, Thanos would go stomping into the vault, looking for the stone and find only a worthless amethyst and no clue to its real location.

After he’d stopped laughing and gestured for the server to bring another round, Thor leaned closer. “So, you went to Xandar? Why?”

“It seemed… friendly. Advanced enough not to be annoying, and cosmopolitan enough not to mind a stranger wandering about. My identity is not a particular concern there.” No one knew his true name, but even if they did, Loki was not a name to bring retribution, unlike Midgard.

Thor was on something else. “But have you friends there?” Thor asked. “Companions?”

“Of course.” That was too quick to be believed, so he amended, “A few. I have not been there long.”

“Good,” Thor nodded, beaming. “I do not wish you to be alone. If you will not come home, at least find companionship, brother. Be well, find happiness--”

Funny how all of those things were out of his reach. He was fated to be alone, he’d figured that out long before he’d known of his poisonous, loathsome blood. But he couldn’t say that to Thor, who would never understand, and jested instead, “I think I’ll stick to conquering planets. Much more fun.”

Thor brushed it off as the joke it was, but leaned forward to say seriuosly, “I think you should stick to brave heroics, as you did in the fight against Hela. You were powerful and strong; I heard many words of compliment afterward, Loki, that you had done a noble thing.”

“Because they thought I was dead. I’m sure their attitude will be different now that they know I survived. Death is, after all, the great redemption, is it not? But if I keep escaping it, it can’t be redemptive, can it?” Loki mused, drawing patterns in the condensation from his cup. “I don’t even _intend_ to escape it, yet … I do. It’s quite annoying, and I would very much like a chat with the Norns about what they want from me.”

“They want you to be good, you fool,” Thor said, his tone impatient yet completely certain. “You are not meant to be a villain, Loki. Anger and pain sent you down that path, but that is not your fate. Why can you not see that, when I see it so clearly?”

Loki snorted. “You see what you want to see, and you lead with your heart, Thor. As ever. It is your gift, but I find it tiresome.” He drained his cup and stood. “Say hello to the wondrous Jane for me, but I should go.”

Thor grimaced as if he wanted to object, but swallowed it back, realizing the futility. “And Father? Do you want me to pass on a message to him?”

Loki clenched his jaw around the reflex to deny Odin as his father -- _Your birthright was to die_ \-- and shook his head. “I have nothing to say to him.” All he wanted to do was sarcastically apologize for still being alive, but the old man would just agree that it was disappointing, so there was no point to it.

“How do I reach you?” Thor asked as Loki was trying to decide how to leave. “If I need your help?”

Loki was tempted to say he couldn’t. It was what he would’ve answered before, perhaps a quip that Thor would never be that desperate, but he bit his lip, finding himself reluctant to shut the door that firmly. Glancing aside at the other patrons, blissfully unaware that their lost prince, the cause of so much of their suffering stood nearby, he acknowledged that he would come back if they were in danger again. It wasn't home, but it was... something. The tree in his heart had been cut down, but the roots remained. 

He conjured an emerald into his palm and laid it on the table. “Hold that and call lightning. That will get my attention.” He showed his teeth and warned, “Use it frivolously and I’ll never answer it again.”

Thor curled a hand over it, gripping it tightly. “I won’t,” he promised. Dampening his lips with his tongue, he said, “I hope you find what you’re looking for. And if that turns back toward Asgard, I’ll be waiting to welcome you home. Brother.”

Loki let all the snappish words of rejection pass over his tongue unspoken, and replied simply, “Farewell. Brother.”

He lifted the cowl of his cape over his head and walked away. In the street outside, he paused, feeling watched, and turned his head to look at the roof. A large raven perched there, its beady little eye fixed on Loki despite all his spells of concealment. Loki smiled and with a precise gesture, spun seidr and dark energy.

_You thought me weak and useless, old man. Now see what I have learned away from you._

The air rippled, distorted, and tore open as if sliced with a knife, opening to nothingness. In full view of the raven, Loki stepped through, turning at the very last to wiggle his fingers in a mocking wave.

He let the gate shut behind him. This was Xandar – busy, anonymous, brash, young – everything Asgard wasn’t.

For an instant, strangely, he looked at the city lights against the night sky and hated it with every atom of his being. It was bright and noisy in all the wrong ways. It wasn’t home; it would never _be_ home.

Then a young couple ran past him, laughing, catching each other to kiss in the shadows and their delight stirred him from his dark thoughts. Loki’s heart eased, and he let out a long breath. This was not Asgard, and not-Asgard was where he wanted to be.

He walked on, ambling along the pond. A wrinkled blue-skinned Centauran was playing stones alone beneath a single lamp, and he looked up as Loki paused beside the table.

“Ah, you're back. Would you care for a game tonight?” the old man invited.

Loki smiled as he slid onto the opposite bench. “Thank you. I would.”

Maybe it wasn’t ‘home’, but it was enough. It would have to be.


End file.
